Today has been a most busy day.
After being rudely awoken by my sister Edna choking on her false teeth (She left them in and was a-dreaming of eating Pork Scratchings) I performed a quick upward thrust on her gullet, went downstairs, put a handful of nettles into the brewing cauldron for my morning tea and went into the garden to harvest some snail silk. ‘Twas a beautiful moonlit morning, which meant that the silk had dried most pleasantly. Snail silk, for those of you who aren’t familiar, is an essential ingredient in most spells and hexes and for that end, I keep a small snail farm at the far end of the garden, right next to the portal to my homeland which lies betwixt the rose bush and the compost heap.
I then set about getting my God-daughter, Scarlett, up for school. There is no spell in the land strong enough to wake Scarlett from a slumber so I opened Edna’s door wide. Edna’s snoring is enough to wake the long since dead. Following this, while Scarlett was still a-stomping about, I polished the Magic Mirrors. If you don’t polish them every morning they get huffy and refuse to talk, which is not at all useful when you need to find the location of a hidden amulet or the secret antidote to a deadly poison-curse.
After Scarlett went to school, I slipped over to my homeland of The Shade to do some bartering. Some items you have here are incredibly useful there. Take false teeth, for instance. It took me over two hundred years to grow a gapped-tooth smile that the ugliest crone would be proud of. No self-respecting Fairy Godmother would be seen with a full set of teeth. It just wouldn’t be done. However, fearsome reputations of ugliness do not help when you are trying to eat toffee or peanuts, do they? That’s why I’m doing a roaring trade in false teeth over in The Shade. Gums for day time…False teeth for night-time snacks when no one is looking. Although, I do have terrible trouble getting hold of the false teeth. Scarlett says I should start a website called webuyanyteeth.com.
On my return, I spent most of the afternoon starching my girdles and polishing my best wand, ready for any trouble, because it’s been quiet for a while and I’ve got a churning feeling in my gut that something or someone is coming to spoil my peace. Plus, Scarlett is getting awful bad tempered again, and if you read the story that my writer friend Annie told for me, you’ll know that this means trouble.
And now I’m in bed ready for it all to start again the morrow. Me and Edna sleep in twin beds and although her snoring, gurning, chop-slapping and grunting of a night do not make for the best nights sleep, we are sisters and that’s how it always has been and always shall be. Fairy Godmothers do work best in pairs – though ’tis said there is always one Good and one Wicked of the pair. If I am not the Wicked one I shall be sore disappointed.