I have consulted my Almanac today and feel led to share the pitfalls and promises that the week ahead may bring…
– Never sweep your front path in the week in which March begins, unless you wish to lose a tooth and gain a wart.
– Do not buy oranges from a woman in a silver shawl on Tuesday. She is a disguised witch who will entrap you as her familiar and then you will have to spend the rest of your life as a cat, parrot, or some other such animal. Consider this a most serious warning and don’t dare come scuttling to me to unhex you when you are a newt.
– For unrequited love, Wednesday eve is a fortuitous day to cast the following spell;
Make an ointment by grinding together the following – two parts boiled turnip, one part caster oil and ten inches of freshly harvested snail silk (you call it slime, I believe). Wash your hair thricely in the light of the moon using a rinse of rainwater infused with peppermint leaves. Retire to bed, placing the turnip skin in the shape of your beloved’s initial beneath your pillow. By morning, the object of your affections will not like you any better, but they will certainly have a nasty ear fungus and the foul breath of a sea witch, which should at least make you feel better and also ensure that your competitors in love do not find them desirous. (Do not, as my sister Edna did, ‘accidentally’ eat the turnip skin as a tasty midnight snack lest you want the hex to come back on you at three times the potency).
– For good luck, wink four times and shake the paw of every one-eyed black and white cat you see, for chances are it is a famous witch’s familiar. It has escaped from her to this land by great magic, and it will be bound to grant you a wish lest the magic be undone and the furious witch find it.
Good days for Glaring – Sunday, Tuesday, Friday.
Good days for Grimacing – Monday, Saturday.
Excellent days for Spell casting and Hexing – Wednesday, Saturday.