Almanac

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Freda’s Almanac

Published August 9, 2014 by Annie Oliver

old diary

Some predictions for the week ahead from my trusty almanac. Pay heed, my dears.

Tomorrow is an excellent day for weaving dreams. Take ten long spiderweb strands, some common garden mint and infuse with the wind of moth wing (best captured in tupperware). Shake ten times anti-clockwise and inhale the resulting vapour before bedtime, whilst thinking of the thing or person you wish to dream about. Note that I say anti-clockwise. Failure to adhere to this will result in night time incontinence, which is most inconvenient.

Wednesday is a terrible day. Stay at home. If you must go out, say, to work, do so with great care and don’t speak to anyone if you can help it.

Thursday, however, is an excellent day for casting hexes on those who have wronged you. Hexes are always best carried out by a professional, but if you must DIY, then speak the hex into the north facing end of your garden for truly excellent results.

Good days for Glaring: Tuesday, Thursday and Friday

Good days for wish granting: This is not a good week for granting wishes. Wish at your peril!

Good days for hexing: Thursday. I shall be working late for a small surcharge should you wish your hex to be handled by a professional.

 

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Freda’s Almanac

Published April 5, 2014 by Annie Oliver

magic-book.jpg

I told my writer friend Annie not to get her hair cut on a Friday in March but did she listen to me? No. Now she has the locks of a forest elf and only herself to blame. Hmph. The almanac never lies. So here are my predictions for fortuitous and unlucky events over the next week. Ignore them and you shall suffer my withering glare.

– ‘Tis a Waxing Crescent moon tonight. On no account look at yourself in the mirror while combing your hair, lest you want to wake in the morn with twice as much hair as you went to bed with. Unless you need more hair, then that is exactly what you should do.

– Tonight is also a perilous night for hexing. All hexes will bounce back on you three-fold, and that goes for ill-wishing too. Save your hexes for tomorrow, when they will have ultimate potency. Especially vomitous ones.

– Beware men with curly beards on Tuesday unless they carry a ferret, in which case they will bring you great luck.

– Wednesday is particularly fortuitous for anyone with red hair to win pointless arguments.

– Friday is a good day for wish granting, however I am only working a half day so please do not be disappointed if I am not able to manage your request. Godmothers need a work-life balance too, you know. And if you send me any more wishes with the words ‘true love’, ‘money’ or ‘marriage’ in it I swear I shall vomit myself into next week. I yearn a good smiting, so if there is anyone you know who truly deserves a really good hex I shall be only too pleased to oblige. Genuine cases only.

Good days for hexing – Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday.

Good days for Glaring – There is no unfortuitous day to Glare this week.

 

Freda’s Almanac

Published March 9, 2014 by Annie Oliver

godmother2

Once again, ‘tis the time of the week to offer some good advice from my trusty Godmother’s Almanac. Ignore it, and you’ll likely end up in peril, begging me to unhex you from a deadly sleeping curse or such like.

–          ‘Tis a young moon this eve. An excellent evening for casting spells and granting wishes. If I may make a suggestion, though…when sending me your wishes please try to at least be original. Should I see one more letter for true love or a fancy ball gown – I swear – I’ll develop the galloping vomits.

–          Do not, under any circumstances walk under a low stone bridge on Tuesday while wearing a red hat, lest you wake the Grimblestone troll. He is a terrible bore and you will be there until Thursday listening to his tales and trying not to yawn.

–          Friday is an auspicious day to make a truth brew. If you suspect that the one you love is not true, simply take a handful of cobwebs and brew in a cauldron (a decent blender will do) with some ground newt’s dung and rose water. Infuse for one hour with some hair of ferret and nail of rabbit. Stir clockwise, thricely, in the light of the moon. Whisper into the cauldron ‘The truth will do, do you be true?’  The resulting potion is now the liquid form of a lie…and only a liar can swallow a lie. Add three drops to your beloved’s drink. If they seem happy and well then they are most certainly a rotten cheat and liar. If they vomit incessantly for three hours, then they are true and you need not worry.

Good days for Glaring – Sunday, Wednesday

Good days for Grimacing – Monday, Tuesday.

Hexing and Spells are best cast on Sunday, Wednesday and Friday.

Once again, let me remind you that today is an excellent day for wishing. Anything wished today with a pure and open heart will undoubtedly come to you.

Happy wishing,

Freda x

Freda’s Almanac

Published February 22, 2014 by Annie Oliver

I have consulted my Almanac today and feel led to share the pitfalls and promises that the week ahead may bring…

– Never sweep your front path in the week in which March begins, unless you wish to lose a tooth and gain a wart.

– Do not buy oranges from a woman in a silver shawl on Tuesday. She is a disguised witch who will entrap you as her familiar and then you will have to spend the rest of your life as a cat, parrot, or some other such animal. Consider this a most serious warning and don’t dare come scuttling to me to unhex you when you are a newt.

– For unrequited love, Wednesday eve is a fortuitous day to cast the following spell;

Make an ointment by grinding together the following –  two parts boiled turnip, one part caster oil and ten inches of freshly harvested snail silk (you call it slime, I believe). Wash your hair thricely in the light of the moon using a rinse of rainwater infused with peppermint leaves. Retire to bed, placing the turnip skin in the shape of your beloved’s initial beneath your pillow. By morning, the object of your affections will not like you any better,  but they will  certainly have a nasty ear fungus and the foul breath of a sea witch, which should at least make you feel better and also ensure that your competitors in love do not find them desirous. (Do not, as my sister Edna did, ‘accidentally’ eat the turnip skin as a tasty midnight snack lest you want the hex to come back on you at three times the potency).

– For good luck, wink four times and shake the paw of every one-eyed black and white cat you see, for chances are it is a famous witch’s familiar. It has escaped from her to this land by great magic, and it will be bound to grant you a wish lest the magic be undone and the furious witch find it.

Good days for Glaring – Sunday, Tuesday, Friday.

Good days for Grimacing – Monday, Saturday.

Excellent days for Spell casting and Hexing – Wednesday, Saturday.

Freda x

Freda’s Almanac – Guidance for today

Published February 16, 2014 by Annie Oliver

I have consulted with my trusty almanac, and here are my tips for today…

– Under  no circumstances talk to a man walking a ferret, unless he is offering to sell you pears, in which case this is a good omen and you will likely find that you wake up tomorrow with one less problem than you went to bed with.

– Do not wear red, for the almanac states that those who wear red on a Sunday in February shall surely meet themselves coming backwards.

– ‘Tis a Waning Gibbous moon tonight, so wash your hair at your own peril.

–  For excellent luck, Glare deeply and malevolently at any red-haired passer-by you see wearing shabby velvet trousers and a green cravat. This is not from the almanac, you understand. This is Septicus Newt, the proprietor of ‘The Slug and Newt’. He owes me ten Tack from a hair-enhancing spell I sold him last Friday, and I don’t want to waste my good Glares on him.

And don’t forget to practise your finger-wagging. You never know when you might need it.

Freda x