As you may or may not know I have an apprentice godmother. Apprentices are most useful for doing all the stuff us godmothers don’t have time or can’t be bothered to do. For example, drying out worm dung or infusing breath of dog with hair of crone for galloping vomit hexes, or even collecting wild ferrets (which requires both quickness of feet and toughness of skin).
My current apprentice is just about adequate after nearly three years under my tutelage. I almost smiled at her the other day but then thought better of it, as I have a reputation to uphold. It doesn’t do to smile too much. It encourages lightness and prettiness, neither of which are skills best suited to a fairy godmother, despite what the stories might say. So thanks to my intensive teaching on the skills of Glaring, Hexing, Spellcasting and Wish Granting she is almost ready to go it alone and will be leaving me next March. Which leaves me with a problem.
Who will do my donkey work?
I have, of course, advertised in all the spellcasting periodicals in my homeland of The Shade, however, I thought it would only be fair to give my readers in this land a fair shot as well. So I have decided to reach out to you on the world wide webbe to advertise the position. Please read carefully and if you think you fit the bill, are tougher than a midwife and already have a Glare that can break windows, please do apply.
APPRENTICE GODMOTHER WANTED.
You must be of eccentric appearance with at least one exaggerated facial feature. Prominent noses prefered but chins of great stature will also be considered. Must have basic experience in Glaring, although full training will be provided to progress to intermediate and then expert level. Spellcasting and Hexing experience not required as this godmother likes things done her own way and does not take kindly to young upstarts trying to teach their granny how to suck eggs. Full training on all aspects of Spellcasting and Hexing will be given on commencement of the apprenticeship.
Cleaning of magical items experience not essential but would be beneficial. Magic Mirrors are a hard enough item to command as it is, never mind if they are not properly attended to. If you miss a bit, they will sulk and if they sulk, I sulk. You must also have a natural affinity for foraging, whether it be for snail silk or ferret dung.
You must not cry easily as I can not be bothered with hysterics every time I grimace at you for boiling the pigs nails up at the wrong temperature or letting the squelching boil hex overcook, as you will likely make many mistakes. Tough skin is a must and not least for dealing with the ferrets and the cats. You must also not scare easily as we have many phantoms, ghouls, witch attacks and – even worse – door-to door salesmen, to deal with at Thistle Cottage on a daily basis.
Training in Wish Granting will not even be started until you have mastered all of the above, for ’tis a complex skill and generates many complaints which I can’t be bothered with.
Accommodation is provided at Thistle Cottage, but you will work for your keep and – be warned – if the house doesn’t like you it will eject you via the window. I have lost many a good apprentice this way.
If you think you fit the above description, please send me a letter/email attaching a picture of your best Glare and detailing;
1. If you could hex anyone who would it be and why. What would the hex be?
2. Why you would make a good fairy godmother?
Please note: This position is exempt from the Sex Discrimination Act, 1975 because it is for a godmother, not godfather and because I said so. Anyone wanting to take umbrage with this is most welcome to put it in writing and send it to the male wizards who have been excluding godmothers from their society for years, but have secretly been stealing all the godmother spells and hexes while getting paid more for it.