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Ask Freda – To Hex or not to Hex?

Published April 8, 2014 by Annie Oliver

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Here’s one I get all the time…

Dear Freda,

Someone has upset me and I would like you to hex them for me. Actually, its my ex-boyfriend. He dumped me for someone else. Ideally, you could hex both of them, but if you can only manage one then just hex him. A nice few weeping, puss-filled face-boils or cursing him with fish breath would do. If you could send me the hex I’ll do it myself.

It would make me feel a lot better. Name your price.

Helen, Edinburgh.

 

Dear Helen,

A word of caution. While I do love a good smite I do have to make sure that it’s a genuine smite and not a spiteful one. The reason for this is simple.

AN UNDESERVED HEX WILL BOUNCE BACK UPON YOU THREEFOLD.

Yes, ducky. So if you don’t want the breath of a trout or weeping sores to sprout in unpleasant areas, you need to think long and hard about your motives. A bit of common sense might be best applied to this situation. One of the worst things to be is unhappy. Perhaps he was just unhappy and knew it wasn’t going to last between you.  ‘Twouldn’t have been fair for him to continue pretending. There may be someone even better awaiting you around the corner, in which case, he has done you a favour, my love.

Hexing is really best left to those who have studied it for years. ‘Tis a complex skill requiring great judgement, patience and the ability to see a situation clearly without festering upon it.

For those reasons, I’m out, although, if you are feeling really put out, a tiny little Glare wouldn’t do much harm and can be most potent when applied correctly. See my previous posts for some tips on Glaring. Withering Glares are particularly appropriate in this situation.

The best hex on an ex is happiness. Put your best frock on, get your hair done and paint your face pretty colours. Then get yourself out and enjoy life. This is a more powerful message than any curse you might put upon him.

Freda x

 

 

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Ask Freda – Is my Stepmother Wicked?

Published February 23, 2014 by Annie Oliver

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Another letter from a Freda fan seeking my no-nonsense advice…

“Hi Freda,

I hope you can help. My dad got married last week after being on his own with me for a long time. I really think that my stepmother might be evil. She has a thin mouth, beady eyes and she has this habit of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. She is always trying to be my ‘friend’ and cooking me big tasty dinners. You may think this is nice, but I suspect she is fattening me up to be eaten.

She must be some kind of witch, as my dad seems bewitched and is constantly walking around with a soppy smile on his face. I just want it to be me and my dad again. Can you tell me how to find out if she is evil so that I can tell my dad and we can both be rid of her?

Rebecca, 11.”

Well, Rebecca. This is quite easily solved with a ferret, some moondust, newt’s spittle and a yard of twine. Most people think ferrets are only good for sniffing out rabbits but ferrets are excellent at sniffing out anything at all, particularly evil stepmothers and bad intentions.

Infuse the newts spittle for three days with a hair from your stepmother and a dash of her ear wax. Catch a wild ferret by the tail and sprinkle it with the moondust. Wrap the twine around the ferret’s ankle – taking care not to let the teeth near you – and recite thricely thus:

‘Ferret’s nose, remove my doubt; Ferret sniff the badness out; Is she wicked, is she wise? Ferret, clear my clouded eyes’

Then wait until your dad is sleeping. A-creep upon him and dab him on the nose and trouser hem with the newts spittle. Then loosen the twine and release the ferret. If the ferret clings to his face, he is bewitched and your stepmother is evil. If it runs up his trouser leg and around three times, you can rest easy.

If you cannot catch a wild ferret, or have no moondust, then try talking to your dad. It may just be difficult to have someone new in the house, and if she is not an evil witch fattening you for the cauldron, chances are she could just be trying to be a good mother to you. Give her the benefit of the doubt, but if she does turn out to be evil let me know and I shall send an unhexing charm and a witch-slayer at the earliest opportunity. For a small fee.

Freda x

Ask Freda

Published February 16, 2014 by Annie Oliver

It has been said that I can dish out a good dollop of advice, when needed. My writer friend Annie often comes to me for advice and she says it’s so good that she will magically entrap my advice onto the screen using her laptop contraption. I never cease to be amazed by her skills. A little tuition in finger-wagging and she’d make a fine Witch.

This is one I answered earlier…

“Dear Freda,

I had a really good friend at school but just lately a new girl started and we both made friends with her. Then they started hanging out together without me, which I didn’t mind except now they’ve started being mean to me, leaving me out all the time and calling me names.  It really hurts and I don’t understand why they would do this.

Danii, 11.”

Well, Danii, if this were happening in my home land of The Shade it would be easy solved. I would have given you an Empathalot charm to slip in her lunchtime drink. This is a great charm, as it makes the person feel the effects of the actions they do to others all day and soon puts paid to any vileness. However, as I keep being reminded I’m not allowed to meddle in that way here so I would put paid to this by practising your best Glare.

Each day, for at least thirty minutes, stand in front of a mirror and squint as though you are squeezing mud from between your eyes. Centre all the hurt you feel and shoot it right back out of those eyelids. If she starts to look a bit green and sickly every time you look at her, then you’re doing it right. Move on from that to the Death-Smile – it’s a smile you give when a Glare isn’t quite enough and you do it through your teeth, with all the malice you can muster.

As I’m being reminded by my writer friend that Glaring isn’t the answer to everything (although I sincerely think it is) my other advice is to concentrate on your other friends, the ones who don’t make you feel bad and get yourself out and about with them, show the other one what she’s missing. Also, as we don’t have Empathalot charms here apparently Talking is an acceptable form of making the other person know how you feel. Talk to your parents, talk to a teacher and get it sorted out.

And, of course, you can always talk to your old Aunty Freda…